Daddy Please See Me

I saw my dad today. I feel such a strong compulsion to tell him everything, well, enough but not too much. I don’t know how much I can or should tell him. I don’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t know. I never told. I understand that it’s the little girl in me who wants to run to my daddy and tell, like I should have told when I was little and so brutally hurt by someone my parents thought was trustworthy. It’s all so fucked up. I’m so fucked up right now. I also want to tell him because I see him so often and we’re really close. I don’t know what to do. For now, I wait for clarity of mind and reasoning before I do anything.

I haven’t written in a while. The PTSD, the nightmares come back, especially, what I’ve come to refer to as, phantom nightmares. The phantom nightmares are the ones I wake up sweating and terrified from, but can’t remember anything about. The last one left dust, tiny particles that I tried to grasp. I should have written any bit that I remembered immediately, but didn’t, and it all evaporated. So many things happened that night from 8:30 in the evening on, some of it innocuous, some significant. I looked up my friend, Tommy to see if he’s ok. I didn’t contact him, just looked at Facebook. I looked at his older brother who hurt me, and came to realize that he was thirteen years old, not fifteen when he raped me. Does it matter? Maybe, or maybe not. Does it change the now? Not at all. I had the nightmare. I called my friend, my rock at 2:30 am. I don’t think I looked at Tommy or Seth until after the nightmare. It doesn’t matter, other than I’m usually good at piecing events together. It’s all a blur. I spent a span of about twenty-four hours aware, yet confused about the order in which many things took place during that day. There was no crying, just the confusion and heaviness.

I don’t know if I can take care of the little girl that I was, the child within. Sometimes it’s just too much. But, who can help me take care of her? I hurt, she hurts, I hurt for both of us and I feel helpless, hopeless. Self-destructive means of surviving persist. It’s just that, though. I’m trying to survive. The shame and fear become problematic. I’m just trying to get through until I get to that first appointment and start to work with the trauma therapist, ten days. I am aware that things will probably get worse before they get better, but I will stay the course.  I’m a fighter tht way.  I want better, and there is no sweeping this under a rug.  I did get ahold of my insurance company to find that there was a mix up. I have no co-pay at all, where I was told there would be a fifty dollar co-pay per week to continue DBT group. SO, I can resume group this coming week. What started out as an eye-rolling venture, because I thought it was bunk, and that both my therapist were just trying to make me get out of the house, because of the agorophobic tendencies they were seeing, has become a lifeline. I’ve learned so much of such great value in that group. It should be tought in grade school. I believe it will be paramount to my success in trauma therapy.

I was feeling so strong. Now I just feel tired, scared, weak, and worst of all SO confused. My head is fuzzy, not about the details or facts of what happened to me, just in general. My mind is fuzzy and my heart is heavy. Today is not a good day. There’s a song that plays through my head at times like these, and it describes perfectly what I’m feeling and experiencing.

BREATHE ME, by Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again, and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

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14 thoughts on “Daddy Please See Me

  1. It is hard as the ‘little’ girl is too often in charge. She wants what she wants and is willful but at the same time is begging me to protect, care and guide her. I am trying to keep the reins in hand while also giving her time to dance, sing and play.
    Write letters to your Dad. You don’t have to send them. But it may help you find the right words when or if you do decide to share.
    Good news about no co-pay. It is so hard to step into the unknown and takes great courage and persistence. Patience too. What can you do today to ease the pain and provide comfort? Hot bath, bake a cake, veg with music or a movie…what or how can you pamper yourself a bit…

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  2. You are smart to wait for clarity. Not say anything without thinking it through. I cannot live with secrets in my life. They tear me up. I hope you are able to release that burden however you need to. How do you think he would react?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know it would cause him pain. He would believe me. I need to evaluate my need to tell him. How does it benefit either of us. If the secret causes strain, then I have to tell him, however much I think he can handle hearing. Beginning trauma therapy will hopefully help me gain better understanding regarding the impulse to tell. SO, I wait, work, and continue to allow the resources at my disposal to help me. I won’t give up. Thank you for your response. I appreciate your support.

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      1. I hope the trauma therapy will help you clarify what needs to be done for healing. I think for everyone it is different. For meI had to tell but I did it in a letter. But you also have to be in a state of mind to hear the reply even if it is not what you expected.it is hard to deal with someone else’s emotions of your abuse as well as your own and often other people put their emotions on you. I wish you well.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I hope you’re able to find a place of serenity today ❤ the little one in me loves the song One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks (I think I got it right lol) – after reading this, that song was playing loudly in my mind 🙂 Today I'm enjoying Reese's 🙂 lol I hope you're able to find something you can enjoy today even if only for a moment 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m watching shows that aren’t uplifting, however are helping distract me greatly. Maybe I need to break it up by watching something funny. I tend toward darker shows. Whatever works, right? I’ll be back at my DBT group this week, and am looking forward to that! I don’t realize how much it helps until I have to spend a few weeks away.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Omg I can so relate!! Lol my favorite things to watch are things on netflix like person of interest, svu, criminal minds etc lol i’ve had to learn to pace myself and watch funny things too like superior donuts on cbs lol I can’t wait til BIg Brother comes back on roflmao

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  4. The little girl has been holding such a huge secret all of her life, it’s painful to read. When I was sexually abused by a neighbor @6 yrs. old, I thought I did the right thing and told my parents, but it backfired on me, as they didn’t believe me resulting in apologizing to the abuser for causing trouble. The way my parents handled that situation, especially showing no empathy or validation, has impacted my entire life. I had huge trust issues after that and still do.

    BTW my mother is a narcissist which explains most of this cruelty. Sorry, you had to struggle with this PTSD also. Stay strong. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that doing the right thing caused you further trauma. I’m working on it. I feel strong, in a strange sort of way, now. I have good and bad days, but have to believe that through the therapy I’m embarking on, better days are ahead. Thank you for your encouraging words. It really does mean everything to know I’m not alone. I hate that this sort of thing is so prevalent. Yet we’re out here now, getting from others the validation that wasn’t available then. Be well!

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