I celebrated my 50th birthday recently. My family threw me a lovely surprise party. I bought new clothes with my birthday money. I received phone calls, messages, and Facebook posts. Every birthday, I acknowledge each post. Sure, many are prompted by notifications, yet the minutes or seconds that people took out of their day to wish me well are meaningful and thoughtful. I receive the joy. It was all a lovely respite from the darker things in life that I’ve been facing, and I’m doubly grateful for that reason!
Tomorrow I will have my first trauma therapy session. I go in with no preconceived notions or judgment. Of course I know it will be difficult. I’m not going in blind. My mind, heart, and spirit are as open to this therapy as they are to embracing my fifties. I am finding myself in a funk today. I’m emotional, overloaded even. It is a huge amount and a vast variety of emotions, so even though it feels like sadness, I know it isn’t that. It isn’t depression. It is heavy because of the amount and the variety, which can be confusing. I recognize it though, so it’s not pulling me down.
Today I will be kind to myself, and the little girl who would like to tap me on the leg and say, “But what about….?” I reassure her by curling up, reading, watching tv, wearing comfortable clothes, and letting calm find us. Breathe in. Breathe out. Note the textures that are comforting. Take a warm bath. This is not the calm before the storm. I am not preparing for battle. I am simply being. I’m aware of right now because this moment is the gift I receive over and over… THIS moment.