My anxiety is off the charts! I’m trying everything. I went to my eldest daughter’s on Tuesday because her very first boyfriend broke up with her, and she was devastated. I dropped everything and went to her. It was two days of laying together, crying, listening, talking, and watching movies. It was hard to leave on Thursday, and I left too late to make it to DBT group, which was a mistake. I also have the beginning of trauma therapy starting in earnest on the 30th. I’ll be going every week, thankfully each session will be right before DBT group.
I was doing so well, using my binder and the information in it, applying the DBT skills to my life, and journaling about it. Anxiety, fibromyalgia flare-up, hives, racing thoughts seem to be winning. I don’t have the ability to focus enough to ruminate, which is a good thing. I push away thoughts of future events and fears, because I can. Again I have this lack of focus to thank. The adrenaline rush of getting to my girl who was so destroyed by the unexpected abrupt breakup and coming down from that is a factor.
Wow, I really thought I was doing well, better than ever. Now, I’m reduced to survival mode. I want to isolate. Worse, really, I want to hibernate. SO, I will take a bath, read (the one thing I can focus on), take a shower and get ready for the day. I dread taking showers and the process of getting ready for the day. I’m so OCD that it becomes a huge production because of the steps I have to take, how it all has to happen in a certain order. Yes, this might sound trivial, but it can be grueling. I’ve conquered so many of my OCD tendencies, demands on me. The shower is not one of them. However, when the process is done, I feel amazing. So, why do I dread it so much?
I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now. This must be boring as hell for anyone who has made it this far through. Bottom line is that I’m finding myself in crisis mode. I have insights, but no concrete reason, which makes me feel weak. Even my self-destructive means of survival have failed me (as they always will, eventually). FUCK. I hate feeling like this. I’m all over the place. So, I have a plan. Stick to the plan.
I’m considering eliminating one of my self-destructive coping mechanisms, as it is only making things worse, at this point. But, when something has helped me survive, stay alive, it’s very hard to say goodbye to it. I’m exhausted, confused, hurting (both physically and emotionally). I have to get it together, because we are visiting friends and spending the night tonight. It will be enjoyable time and a wonderful distraction. I will do what I need to do, so as not to make getting ready and packed stressful. I will be present (go mindfulness!), in a very safe and nurturing environment. A list would help if I can focus enough to make one. I just keep ducking outside for another cigarette to procrastinate.
I’m done rambling now. This is absolutely a cry for help. For anyone out there who has made it through this post, thank you! Input, suggestions, affirmations, support of any kind are always welcome!