Frayed

My anxiety is off the charts! I’m trying everything. I went to my eldest daughter’s on Tuesday because her very first boyfriend broke up with her, and she was devastated. I dropped everything and went to her. It was two days of laying together, crying, listening, talking, and watching movies.  It was hard to leave on Thursday, and I left too late to make it to DBT group, which was a mistake. I also have the beginning of trauma therapy starting in earnest on the 30th. I’ll be going every week, thankfully each session will be right before DBT group.

 I was doing so well, using my binder and the information in it, applying the DBT skills to my life, and journaling about it.  Anxiety, fibromyalgia flare-up, hives, racing thoughts seem to be winning. I don’t have the ability to focus enough to ruminate, which is a good thing. I push away thoughts of future events and fears, because I can. Again I have this lack of focus to thank. The adrenaline rush of getting to my girl who was so destroyed by the unexpected abrupt breakup and coming down from that is a factor.

Wow, I really thought I was doing well, better than ever. Now, I’m reduced to survival mode. I want to isolate. Worse, really, I want to hibernate. SO, I will take a bath, read (the one thing I can focus on), take a shower and get ready for the day. I dread taking showers and the process of getting ready for the day. I’m so OCD that it becomes a huge production because of the steps I have to take, how it all has to happen in a certain order. Yes, this might sound trivial, but it can be grueling. I’ve conquered so many of my OCD tendencies, demands on me. The shower is not one of them. However, when the process is done, I feel amazing. So, why do I dread it so much?

I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now. This must be boring as hell for anyone who has made it this far through. Bottom line is that I’m finding myself in crisis mode. I have insights, but no concrete reason, which makes me feel weak. Even my self-destructive means of survival have failed me (as they always will, eventually). FUCK. I hate feeling like this. I’m all over the place. So, I have a plan. Stick to the plan.

I’m considering eliminating one of my self-destructive coping mechanisms, as it is only making things worse, at this point. But, when something has helped me survive, stay alive, it’s very hard to say goodbye to it. I’m exhausted, confused, hurting (both physically and emotionally). I have to get it together, because we are visiting friends and spending the night tonight. It will be enjoyable time and a wonderful distraction. I will do what I need to do, so as not to make getting ready and packed stressful. I will be present (go mindfulness!), in a very safe and nurturing environment. A list would help if I can focus enough to make one. I just keep ducking outside for another cigarette to procrastinate.

I’m done rambling now. This is absolutely a cry for help. For anyone out there who has made it through this post, thank you! Input, suggestions, affirmations, support of any kind are always welcome!

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9 thoughts on “Frayed

  1. I completely hear you! I hear the frustration. I hear the pain. I hear the agony. I know well about OCD. It is like a plague to me. And the coping skills that sometimes work and sometimes fail me. I’m here for you. I feel for you. I empathize with you 100%. Some days just fucking suck. I just sat in my room and stuck my feet out the window and felt the sun on the and just kept saying ” I feel the sun on my feet and I am ok” over and over again. Sometimes it is just the little things for me that help calm the big overwhelming things that I have no control over. Wishing you well!

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  2. I hope you don’t mind my long response but I can relate in so many ways I wanted to break them down. I will try to stay on point (I can ramble 🙂 )
    ” I have insights, but no concrete reason, which makes me feel weak.”
    The adrenaline surges are physical (we cant control them) and rush through me for defense in here and now situations and it takes a while for it to dissipate and go back to normal. I feel like I am crashing out of control. I cannot control the adrenaline and it reminds my body of previous times (may or may not be associated with memories but the feeling is related to the past). sometimes I feel like I’m going into shock. Telling my insiders that the adrenaline was necessary and the rush of it is over, we’re safe, helps get control of the fear. Distracting is really good. Eating something salty and drinking water helps my stomach naw on something besides my anxiety. I hope that makes sense. After calming the physical issues and fears associated I can start to see out here more clearly. When that happens I can broadcast to my insiders that no one has to be afraid. I can feel the coming down from the adrenaline and know it wont last forever. Ok, I think I’m talking too much. Sorry. Bad day for being clear. I like this post. You have a lot going on. I hope it settles for you.

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      1. Oh, thank you for saying so, was a little nervous posting that. I am also working on quitting smoking. Our T says its like saying goodbye to an old friend (he recently quit after smoking over 30 yrs). It’s hard! He said some days are better than others, dont beat yourself up, and you don’t have to start from the beginning again. I hope that helps too. It helps us. Take care! -Lora

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  3. Self soothing!! I truly hope you’re setting aside at minimum an hour a day for yourself to do something soothing or pleasant! Like a pleasant events schedule 😋 Have you ever sat down and tried to write yourself 3 compliments? Jer makes me do this every morning now – to look back at the previous day and compliment myself on three things – “I handled x issue very well” or “given how to yesterday was for me, I have it my all and still ate 1.5 meals!” — but I think sometimes it’s so easy to beat ourselves up for things we don’t always deserve – but learning to give ourselves that pat on the back? Eventually it really does feel refreshing and soothing 💗

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